Monday, October 9, 2017

got taste?

Tradition. Fuck Tradition.

Aesthetics. Fuck Aesthetics.

Taste. Double Fuck Taste.

And yet I creep towards it like a baby towards its mother's teat.

To be born under pre-existing structures that do not honor who you are—sexism, racism, classism--I wanted to be a light colored male with good taste. The opposite of what I was. Then I could concentrate on what I was actually seeing and be taken seriously for what I was witnessing: the horrors of the world in the name of love and being human.

But if I were a light colored male with good taste, would I be seeing what I was seeing and would I be experiencing what I was experiencing? I've always been told that I had a male brain. And hated my female body for not being able to follow through on it's commitment to being male. But it turns out that I am who I am. I can only be who I am. Even if I struggle to become something else, I cannot. And in the mean time, all the labels that were given to me-female, male, Korean, American, designer, artist, depressive, introvert, stubborn, stupid, clever, loud-these labels confused me and harmed me more than it helped me in understanding who I am. 

I am Yoon Soo Lee. I am a witness to this life and this community. I am a witness to this life and community with curiosity and pragmatic optimism.

Our most dominant sense is our eye sight. What would this world be like if we never had sight? What would that “reality” be like?  Because right now, I think we tend to think what we SEE is true and real. However, what we see is different from our lived experience. A few years ago, the visual offering of a Black U.S. President painted one kind of picture of our country. These days, the existing conditions of living in bubbles has shattered our visual understanding of our own manufactured reality. 

Sight is so wonderful and sight is so limited.

I am interested in these large framing ideas around visual communication. But this is my interest, and it doesn’t have to be any other person’s interest.
 I share with you today what kind of plant I am: I am a conifer with prickly needles that lives on the outskirts of large mountains.

As visual communicators, we convey the human experience through one major point of entry: sight. But I think we need to venture further and not just stay with sight and all of it’s siblings called, beauty, aesthetics, and taste. 

Because sight is so wonderful but it is also limited. 

We are practicing in this field or any other field of study because we want to keep living—hopefully with our core values intact: joy, happiness, health, safety, love. Yes, we live in a capitalistic world. Yes, our country is in turmoil. And yes, we have to earn a paycheck to feed ourselves and put a roof over our family. 

But there are many ways in which we can practice our values through the medium of visual communication. And that is by reminding ourselves that the end goal of design practice is not the just object—be it a website, app, or book—but it is about honoring the human experience. It is about honoring the human standing in front of or behind the object.

When ever you feel lost, when you find yourself in doubt, think of the human being you want to understand. And that, very well may be you.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I am a tortoise.

I am a tortoise. I am a gorilla living in a tortoise shell. My identity is entombed in fight, rage, fear and protection. I have fought all my life for my identity and I have become a great fighter. Bullies know that I am a fighter and leave me alone. I am five foot one but when I stand up to fight, you would think that I was bringing an army of a thousand.

I am a tortoise. I am a gorilla living in a tortoise shell. And I am tired. The shell is hard and it is heavy. It's hard to live with a heightened sense of war on a daily basis. It is not sustainable. It is not sustainable for me.

My war was this: I was fighting back people who hated me as a women; fighting back people who didn't want me to be smart: fighting back people who wanted me to be quiet and submissive, fighting back people who wanted sameness and not standing out. Fighting was a way of living. Being angry meant that I was alive.

I do not want to fight any more. I do not want to be angry as a default. I chose my partner in life so that I could learn how to live with peace. But it is like a general who has only seen war being asked to go into retirement. A general who has only known battle to live in peace. The general is being asked to put down her gun, her armor, her machete, her weapons of mass destruction. The general is bewildered at this abandonment. The general is worried. The general thinks that I will die. So the general is scheming up a coup. For my benefit. So that I will not die. The general whispers in my ear: you are going to die if you put down your armor. Your armor is already down, so you will die at any minute.

I am in the stages of mutation. Or transformation. Change can be scary and sometimes it can hurt. But I am learning how to live for the rest of my life. I cannot live as a warrior anymore. I cannot keep looking out for possible threats and bombs and hostile forced entries. And even though I want to crawl into a hole and die, I know that that day too will come. All I have is today and this moment. 

I think about what animal I want to be next. Maybe a bird. Light, flight and sky. Not too bad. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Mommy, what's more powerful, love or pain?

Living through unrelenting anxiety, fear and panic is something that I am used to. All the what ifs and possible disastrous outcomes of the future is what I do on a moment by moment basis. It's npr, fox news, cnn, bbc world news, and msnbc all crammed into my brain with a 24 hour streaming of bad news on top of bad news. Planning and critical thinking is the ground that I stand on and how I identify with myself. So keeping up with the on slot of the news stream in my brain was my duty and honor.

But all of these things did me more harm that good when I was in the grips of anxiety.

Eli once asked me what's more powerful, love or pain. I asked him how he had thought of that question. Eli was suffering from a cold at the time, and he answered, "Because when you are in pain, if feels so powerful, I was curious to know if it was more powerful than love."

When I am in pain it is very hard to look at the pain of others. And I start to think about if there is a quota on pain. If I am brimming to the rims in my own pain and suffering, will I be able to see the pain of others? Can one pain be compared to another pain and be judged based on a value system? If I am in pain because my arm has been cut off, is that more painful than a person whose finger has been cut off and less painful than a person whose leg has been cut off? Comparison of pain is a source of more pain. Comparison seems to arise when we are not heard or honored in the reality of our pain. The pain can be physical, the pain can be psychological, the pain can be cultural, the pain can be economical. If you have never suffered from depression, or anxiety consider yourself blessed. If you have never suffered from debilitating physical pain, consider yourself blessed. If you have never had to worry about where your next months meal for your kids are coming from, consider yourself blessed. 

We cannot compare our pains. We have to listen to each others pain and come together through it. 

Watching the outcome of the election and trying to answer the question, why, why, why the one word that keeps coming to the forefront is privilege and access. I have privilege. I have parents who believed in education and learning through traveling. I live in the first world where running water is not one of the major issues of life. I have a sustainable job and work with colleagues who I honor and respect. I have access to cultural diversity and multitude of life experiences which have given to the blossoming of wisdom. And I think of the people in the middle parts of America, where they are living in a different reality than the reality of the Americans living on the coast. Access and privilege. I know that I am who I am not because I am more smart, and more hard working than my peers. I am who I am because I was given vast amounts of privileges that I did not ask for, but was given to me as a gift. 

In my mind Trump and Clinton were like zits on an adolescents nose and forehead. They are both big, red, and throbbing with pain. We would rather such things never existed. But maybe what it did is bring to the front all of the pain of America growing up with it's hormones and all. And it is reveling all the pain that has been hiding under cover. One zit is about social issues and one zit is focused on economic issues. I feel much more righteous in that social issues are at the forefront of my concerns. And I want to be right. (And I might still feel right and righteous in my belief.) But that is because I have privilege. And I cannot compare my pain with other pains. I have to stop, look, listen and see if I can find a place inside of me that can postpone the panic of engulfment and see if I can give attention without judgement to the pain of others. It's easy to give empathy to those who are in pain that we can understand. It is much more of a challenge to give empathy to those whose pain we deem unnecessary and irrelevant. Which will only enhance the pain.

Has modern society always struggled with xenophobia? Yes. Are we shocked to find it in our family, friends, and neighbors? Yes. Has modern society always struggled with inequality of capital? Yes. Are we shocked to find it in our family, friends, and neighbors? Yes. Current American politics has unveiled it's basic paradigm: us versus them. It's called a Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) and it is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground). -

Mommy, what's more powerful, love or pain?
I think love. What made you ask that question?
Because when you are in pain, if feels so powerful, I was curious to know if it was more powerful than love.
... You know, pain is powerful, but I think love is more powerful.
Me too.

We want to control and predict the future. That is the purpose of research and the definition/goal of learning and studying in our world. When I am in the grips of panic and anxiety I want to make the world black and white, us versus them. And I want someone to blame. Brene Brown says the blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. Being human comes with a lot of pain. Let's all honor our own pain. And maybe then we can honor the pain in others. 

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Death, Anxiety and Death Anxiety

Most of my life I have wanted to die. When I believed in God, I wanted to go to heaven sooner than later. Living was too hard. Living was too painful. Living felt like a punishment. Most days, I did my best to live my life as God wanted me to, because I wanted to go to Him sooner than later.

I no longer believe in God, but as my son says, I do believe that god is probably Mother Earth. I still live like a Christian. Or Catholic. Or Buddhist. I just don’t call myself by those names. I live a moral life. I live an ethical life. But I still find myself in massive pain.

Death has always been the last resort of comfort, painlessness and a relief from being human. I knew I was going to die someday, and hoped it would be sooner than later. Death was a friend who was waiting for me with softness, cool warmth, lightness and dignity.

But in the last years something changed.

I remember when I was seventeen I had a conversation with my friend Sookjin. I said something like, “I am living because I cannot die.” She responded with “I am living because I was born.” Almost thirty five years later this conversation is still with me. For the last 50 years I have been walking away from birth. Walking away from ignorance, walking away from helplessness, walking away from being dependent. I walked with meaning and vigor as I was determined to become strong, intelligent, and independent. Something about the 50 years old milestone has me now walking towards death. Not the glorious peacefulness of death. But the messy process of getting to death. If walking away from birth was about gaining, walking towards death feels like losing something. Death in the abstract was peaceful. Getting to the destination of death in reality is as messy as life. Death is barreling down in slow motion. Death was supposed to be my liberation. I am confronted with having to live until I get there. In the last few years, I have been holding my breath for death to come. And in doing so I created more pain. Because I stopped living. Waiting for death is not proper living.

In order to understand the mystery of my pain I have searched for and found many sources of insight, wisdom and comfort. One of them is an interview that Krista Tippett has with Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk and teacher, on her podcast “On Being.” At one point, Ms. Tippett asks Brother Steindl-Rast how we can deal with gratitude in the mist of anxiety and fear. Brother Steindl-Rast goes on to explain the difference between anxiety and fear:

MS. TIPPETT: We have to acknowledge our anxiety, but we must not fear?

BR. STEINDL-RAST: Not fear. There is a great difference. See, anxiety, or anxious, being anxious, this word comes from a root that means “narrowness,” and choking, and the original anxiety is our birth anxiety. We all come into this world through this very uncomfortable process of being born, unless you happen to be a cesarean baby. It’s really a life-and-death struggle for both the mother and the child. And that is the original, the prototype, of anxiety. At that time, we do it fearlessly, because fear is the resistance against this anxiety. See? If you go with it, it brings you into birth. If you resist it, you die in the womb. Or your mother dies.

I have anxiety. I have massive anxiety. Everyday when I drive to work I have to remind myself I am not driving into a war zone. When I have to open up my email account, I expect a bomb to go off. When I leave my house I expect a firing squad. None of these things are true, but my brain tells me these lies. I have been wanting to carve out the anxiety and throw it away in the ocean, bury it with the landfills, burn it into hell, free it into the heavens. And yet, like my puppy who forever wants to be next to me, my anxiety is by my side, hugging my leg, nipping at my ankles if I walk away.

When I heard Brother Steindl-Rast explain the difference between anxiety and fear, it was as if the clouds opened up after two years of rain. Anxiety: if you go with it, it brings you into birth. If you resist it, you die. As scary as it is, I have to walk through anxiety. Maybe this is like walking through fire.

I started meditation. I am using the app Headspace. On day two or three, the app showed me an animation about watching thoughts versus chasing thoughts in the context of meditation. ( It explains the difference between watching your thoughts go by and chasing your thoughts down. All this time, I was chasing my thoughts down to the bitter end, thinking that I was honoring myself. Thinking that it was a critical part of being an intelligent human being. Critical thinking has its place and time, but mindfully ignoring, (watching) the buzz of the brain has great merits also. The binary idea of “not doing anything=being lazy” is being washed away.

I just finished listening to one of my favorite authors and teachers of all time, Irvin Yalom and his book “Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death.” He tells us numerous stories of how people are paralyzed by death anxiety and how they have worked to move through it. I did not know there was a thing called death anxiety. I was putting pain on a scale and balancing it off with the goal of death. I can get through living or I can live. Having a word, a concept, a definition of what you are experiencing is an empowering experience. It gives it context, it gives it a home, it gives it parents, and so you are not so lonely anymore. You are connected to the rest of humanity instead of being set aside alone in a desert with no water.

I am still haunted by the reality of the messy death. There is cancer and alzheimer’s in my family. I find myself wishing for cancer instead of alzheimer’s. In the face of the seemingly inevitableness of cancer, alzheimer’s, dementia or some other fatal, painful disease, I looked into death with dignity and found “Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking (VSED).”

Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking (VSED): To voluntarily stop eating and drinking means to refuse all food and liquids, including those taken through a feeding tube, with the understanding that doing so will hasten death. This is an option for people with terminal or life-limiting diseases who feel that with VSED their dying will not be prolonged. The US Supreme Court has affirmed the right of a competent individual to refuse medical therapies and this includes food and fluids. This choice is also commonly accepted in the medical community. (

The care takers (doctors, nurses, hospice workers) who have had experience with VSED give it an average rating of 8 on a scale from 1-9, 1 being a messy death, and 9 being a peaceful death. Finding this option is comforting. I am not a victim of life, nor of pain, nor of disease. I do not know that I will ever exercise my right to Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking. But it is a great relief to me that I have found a “get out of jail free” card if I need one.

On the outside, I have a great, most privileged life. My life partner is my best friend, my teacher, my earth, my rain, my sunshine. I have a son that bewilders me with joy and love I never knew I had inside of me. I have family, friends and students that move me deeply with their courage, hope and struggles. I still struggle with pain. I have been holding my breath for death. I am learning how to live the rest of my life. By watching mindfully the water, the sky, the wind, the trees, the thoughts, the pain, the anxiety, the fear. I watch it go by. As it ebbs and flows. By breathing. By listening. I am going to live and not wait for death. I will honor the breath I have right now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Snail and the Cactus

I am a snail. I am a trapdoor snail. I have a door that I can close so that all the outside noise is shut out. And then I can be in peace in my own little house. I never invite anyone here. First, it's too crowded, and second, then they would see all of my secrets. And no one will ever see my secrets. I would rather die. And speaking of death, my house is also going to be my coffin. My friends tell me that I'm morbid, but it's a great convenience to live in your coffin. Do you know when you’re going to die? No one does. I'm so glad that I know where my coffin is at all time. Because we do all die. I am no dummy. I know this truth no matter how many people want to forget this little fact.
Being a snail I can only see in black and white. And that means there is no middle ground. No grey area. This "process" people keep talking about. What a load of bullshit. I can't see it. I can't touch it. I can't smell it. No evidence. It doesn't exist. I know what a goal is though. Water, shade, moisture. Those things are tangible. And without these goals, I am dying. Literally. And it’s not your grand death. Big crash, huge explosion with blood and gore. No, it's the slow, burning, stinging, smelly death. Ugh. This is why I have goals. There is nothing in the world but goals. And you better get out of my way.

Inside my small mouth there are even smaller teeth. They might be small but they are powerful. Like the power of tiny raindrops that can bore a hole in a boulder. My teeth can gouge out a hole in your heart. I also carry poison. I drink my own poison so I can build up resiliency to my own venom, but I also feed my poison to my kids and husband everyday. So that they will become resilient and strong. So that they can overcome the harshest elements of the world.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My mother is my harshest element. To survive her, I have morphed into a cactus. But because I am a potted plant, she can find me again and again. She climbs up my body slowly and carefully. She is so careful that sometimes, I don't notice she is on my body, whispering her truths in my ear.

I only notice she is on my body when she is on the verge of feeding me her poison so I can grow strong and resilient. When I am fed her poison, I feel like I am drowning in a vat of vomit.

In my next life, I want to be water or a piece of sand. Yes, sand might be better. With water, I can't be sure I won't end up being a part of a hurricane or typhoon. A piece of sand in the middle of the largest dessert, or a piece of sand in the deepest part of the ocean where you can't see the sunlight. These are the places where the virus of humanity hasn't had its impact quite yet. I just want to be left alone. In stillness.

I'll have my buddies and with subtle and not so subtle disturbances we might hover, cuddle, run and fly. Make new friends and communities in the mist of quiet eternity. To be a piece of sand. This is my wish.

What if I end up being mixed with cement, and made into concrete blocks? I might end up being built into a childcare center full of cries and laughter only to recover during the quiet night times. Or what if I'm part of a new building for inmates, full of systematic brutality, rage and meaninglessness day in and day out. Entombed with my buddies listening to the suffering. My hope will be that the stupid animals called humans will implode themselves sooner than later so that we can start over. How much quite this place would be without those fuckers.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Life lessons: March babies

March 21, 2015: two kitties adopted
March 21, 2016: a puppy adopted
My son detected this pattern and shared it with me.

This prompted me to write a letter to my future self:

Dear Yoon Soo,
Come next March, you might start looking at chickens, or ducks that lay eggs at five in the morning and dream of having a whole mess of them in your backyard as they follow you around looking at the peach tree, persimmon trees and blueberry bushes. You will fantasize about building your own DIY chicken coop and how you will have two coops: one cute outdoor coop for the ducks or chickens to use during the day and one night time coop that will be inside of the garage which will be sound proofed so that the clucking will not disturb the neighbors.

Or come next March, you might start fantasizing about taking in pregnant cats who need homes. You might fantasize about the birthing, and the tiny, tiny, tiny kittens, and their sweet mothers. You might imagine how silly their limbs look at first and how soon they will grow into fluff balls.

I am here to tell you and remind you of the dog we now have. I am here to tell you the truth about the dog. I am sorry to tell you that, YOU, Yoon Soo, wanted to BE THE PUPPY--so cute and lovable that all people would love you and take care of you. What happened instead was that this puppy is reminding you, every single moment, that you are a responsible adult who now has to take care of yet another creatures' poop, food intake, water intake, bite inhibition, stranger fear, other dog aggression, and food aggression. You are now prying out half eaten cat poop from your puppies mouth that he has found in our yard. This is the reality of having a puppy. Chunks of decomposing cat poop. Prying it out of your puppy's mouth. With your bare hands.

If I may be so bold, I have an opinion about what is happening. ALL OF THIS HERE that is happening, might be your ovaries talking through you. And I am here to tell you Yoon Soo, that your ovaries are drying up. They are shriveling up and they are calling to the world I WILL NOT DIE YOU MOTHER FUCKER! And this is their final hurrah. You might confuse them with your true self voice because it is so strong and self-righteous. But previous life experiences has taught us that self-righteousness is quite often a cover for vulnerability. And fear.

So, Yoon Soo, your ovaries are drying up. And you are slowing drying up. And you will eventually die. But you are not going to die just now. A very small part of you is. And that is okay. Because we still have so much to celebrate.

Love, Yoon Soo

- - - - -

I will look at the dog, and remember: my freaked out, death fearing ovaries brought to me my lovely puppy. And he will soothe the angst of death with never ending kisses and snuggles. And I will continue to pry out decomposing cat poop from my puppies mouth. With my bare hands. And then I will let him lick my face.

I am officially a puppy mom.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

I Lay Before You My Sword: an Educators Manifesto. Version 2016

As an educator, I pledge to uphold Sister Corita Kent's rule: "find a PLACE to trust and try trusting it for a while."

That PLACE will be:
The heart of students.
The mind of students.
The spirit of students.

I will not practice and promote the pedagogical damage that has been placed upon us.

I will not tempt nor woo students with intellectual or psychological insight.

I will not hold the students' growth as hostage while trying to build up my own sense of self worth. (That shit I will take care of on my own time, on my own dime.)

And when I do make these errors—for I have and know that I will again—I will name it, claim it and apologize for it.

I will practice listening to my students. And not confuse listening to their voice with my need to be heard.

I will practice balancing my overly critical brain (who knows competition, who thinks she is right and who is incredibly judgmental), with my overly emotional heart (who needs to be liked and who needs approval desperately and persistently.)

In between the heart and the brain is the spirit, where my whole self as a human being resides.

I will practice speaking from this place—this place of wholeness. And it is from this place that I pledge to practice meeting my students.