fighting against "learned helplessness"

Learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape. Eventually, the animal will stop trying to avoid the stimulus and behave as if it is utterly helpless to change the situation. Even when opportunities to escape are presented, this learned helplessness will prevent any action.

While the concept is strongly tied to animal psychology and behavior, it can also apply to many situations involving human beings. When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may also begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change.

(from: http://psychology.about.com/od/lindex/f/earned-helplessness.htm)

"학습된 무기력"이랑 "현실을 인지함"은 다른 종류의 심리 상태인 것 같다. 현실의 모습이 괴로워 우울해 하고, 무리력해지는 것이랑, 현실을 받아드리면서도 어떻게 그 현실을 개혁해 나갈 것인가를 구상하는 것은 다른 것인 것 같다. 

우리 개개인이, 혹은 단체들이 각각 할 수 있는 일들을 해가는 것: 서로의 방법을 비난하기 보다, 각각의 노력들이 티끌이 되어 산을 만들 수 있지 않을까 한다. 산에 있는 흙, 돌, 지렁이, 풀, 벌레, 노루, 모두가 각기 자기의 할 바를 함으로써 산이 되듯이, 나는 나의 할 바를 찾아 나간가.

I think there must be a difference between "learned helplessness" and acceptance as a practice. Being defeated and depressed about current situations is different from accepting what is going on and finding productive ways to rethink, redesign, and restructure the current situation.

What if we as individuals, as groups of people sought out to do what we can do. There is a Korean saying, “티끌 모아 산을 만든다.” It means to collect small bits of dust to make a mountain. In the mountain, there is earth, rocks, worms, grass, insects, and deer. What if we each did our best to contribute to the new world. I am in search of what my contribution might be.

ego, super-ego and id

blame=pain

Think Gray

동태눈깔 | The Eyeballs of Dead Fish

[English Version Below]

유명한 사람이 있다. 그 유명한 사람은 교수이다. 내가 아는 이 유명한 교수가 말문을 열면, 주변이 있던 모든 사람이 귀를 기울이며, 또 어떤 엄청난 뜻깊은 말이 나올까, 잠시 숨을 죽인다.

이 유명한 교수의 일상적인 교수 삶을 볼 기회가 있었다. 이 유명한 교수와 일상적으로 나날을 같이 하는 학생들은 얼마나 좋고 행복할까 하는 생각을 해 본다.

이 유명한 교수가 15명의 학부 학생들을 앉혀놓고 강의를 한다. 그 15명의 학부 학생들은 썩은 동태 눈깔을 하고 있다.

유명한 사람들은 절대로 썩은 동태 눈깔을 접하지 않을 것 같았다. 더 정직하게 말하면, 내가 유명해 지면, 썩은 동태 눈깔의 사람들을 접하지 않아도 되지 않을까 하는 소망이 있었다.

최근에 잠시 “좀 알려진 사람”의 경험을 해봤다. 눈곱만큼의 유명인사 경험을 해봤다. 유명이라는 것은, 두 사람이 길 가다가 잠시 눈이 맞으며, “음, 너 괜찮게 생겼네.” “음, 너도 괜찮네.”하며 잠시 서로의 “괜찮음”에 만족을 하는 솜 사탕 같다는 생각을 했다. 그 달콤한 솜 사탕은 일상을 매일 같이하는 밥, 된장찌개 같은, 혹은 썩은 동태 눈깔을 한 나의 사랑하는 학생들과는 질이 다르다. 일상은 따분함과 괴로움과 즐거움과 슬픔과 기쁨: 그 모든 것을 받아준다. 흙처럼 말이다. 그게 사랑이 아닌가 싶다. 흙.

순간순간의 달콤한 솜 사탕도 가치가 있다. 스쳐 지나가는 인연도 가치가 있다. 그러나 그 달콤한 것, 순간순간 스쳐 가는 작은 것들을 모으면, 티끌 모아 태산을 만들 수 있을까? 아니면, 솜 사탕을 모아놓으면, 끈적끈적한 개미투성이의 가볍지도 않고, 단맛을 보고 싶지도 않은 짐으로 남아있을까.

The Eyeballs of Dead Fish

There is a very well known, if not famous person. This famous person is an educator. When this educator speaks, the people hold their breath to see what amazing things will come out of their mouth.

I got to see this famous person in their daily life. I imagined how lucky the students must feel when they are in the presence of this person every day.

This famous person was lecturing to a group of students. And the students had the eyeballs of dead and freeze-dried fish called Dong-Tae (pollack).

Never in a million years did I ever imagine that this person had to deal with dead pollack eye-balls. In honesty, I thought if I were ever to become famous, I would never have to deal with dead pollack eye-balls.

I recently had my own mini-version of being a “bit-known.” Really, it was tiny, but enough for me to remember. Being “known” is kind of like two passers by, meeting eyes for a brief moment and sharing non-verbally, “you’re okay.” “You’re kind of okay, too.” A fleeting warmth of recognition. Something akin to cotton candy. Soft and sweet and fluffy.

The everydayness of living is more like bread, water, and the lovely eyeballs of my students some of which glaze over occasionally like dead pollack. The everydayness of living is full of frustration, joy, sadness, and laughter. Like earth, it accepts everything about us. Like love, it accepts all of us. Not just the sparkly parts.

The sparkly parts have merit too. The fleeting glance of the passers by are also of merit. There is a Korean saying, “collect enough dust and you will get a mountain.” If we collect all the small bits of cotton candy will we be able to make a grand mountain? Or will be end up with a sticky mess that only attract ants.

I am rethinking my understanding of fame and fortune.

통역. 번역. 직역. 허걱. Translation, Different Writing, Re-writing, Same but Different. Arg.

[English Below]

나의 올케의 올케가 우리 집에 오게 되었다. 십 년 전 일인 것 같다. 시누이의 시누이 집에 오게 된, 아주 젊고 예쁜 이분은 작은 아이의 엄마였고, 별로 쉽지 않은 자리였을 것 같았다. 내가 처음 만난 그 사람에게 하는 말이 "절대로 재미없겠지만, 조금이라도 재미있어 보도록 노력해 보세요.” 쯤 되는 말을 했었던 것 같다. 이 말을 영어로 했으면 나는 필시 "Please have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?."라고 했을 것이다. 분명 같은 의향을 가지고 나온 말들이 어쩌면 이렇게 다르단 말인가.

그때까지만 해도 나는 한국말을 쓰면 같은 내용이라도 부정적인 표현이 나오기가 일수였다.

지금은 좀 달라진 것 같기도 하다. 20여 년 미국에서 선생일을 하고 있지만, 지난여름 처음으로 한국에서 한국 학생들이랑 디자인 공부를 해 봤다. 한국말로 말할 때 부정적인 표현들이 많이 나오면 어떡하나 걱정을 했다. 미국에서 오래 살아서 한국말도 잘 못 하고, 낱말들도 제대로 몰라, 버벅거리면 어떡하나, 한국사람이면서 영어만 쓰는 모양 하기 싫어서 몇 주 전부터 한 단어, 한 단어, 내가 쓸 모든 낱말을 정리해 한국어 낱말 표를 만들어 보았다. 내가 할 강의 내용을 한국어로 번역해 놓고, 엄마, 아버지 앞에서 연습도 해보았다. 아버지는 나의 한국말 번역을 자세히 보시면서 적합하지 않은 낱말은 고쳐주셨다. 생전 처음으로 한국말로 강의했지만, 무서울 정도로 재미있었다. 아 하면 어. 야 하면 여. 학생들은 척척 알아들으면서, 나는 한국인인 것을 만끽해 봤다. 햐~ 이렇게 재미있을 수 가.

나이 오십이 되어서 다시 한국어 공부를 하며, 한글로 글쓰기 연습을 한다. 영어로 먼저 써 놓은 것을 한국말로 옮길 때에는 번역해야 하는 것인지, 통역인지, 아니면 전체적인 맥락은 비슷하나, 다른 글을 쓰는 것인지, 정답이 없는 작업을 해 본다. 여행을 가면, 길을 잃어도 배우는 게 많은 법. 왔다 갔다, 굽이굽이, 여기저기 방향을 잃으며 길을 걸어본다.

나의 발 동무는 부산대학교 인공지능연구실과 (주)나라인포테크가 함께 만들고 있는 한국어 맞춤법/문법 검사기 그리고 네이버 국어사전. 그리고 google translate. 이런 고마운 동무들이 있어서 더욱 행복하다. ㅎ


My sister-in-law’s sister-in-law came to visit our home about ten years ago. In the context of Korean society, this is not the easiest of visits. In the context of Korean society, it is sometimes said that the sister of your husband is more dangerous than your mother-in-law.

So there I was hosing this beautiful, young woman, whom I have never met before and as she entered our home with her young child and husband I say to her in Korean, “Even though it will be impossible for you to have a good time, do your best.” Or something like this. If I had spoken to her in English, I would have most likely said, “Please have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?” It amazed me how negative my comment was even though my intention was that of hospitality.

When ever I speak in Korean, the output seems hostile and inhospitable.

I think things are shifting now. For the first time in since I left my home country in 1991, I had the chance to teach in Korean this past summer. I worried a lot about what would happen and therefore I prepared a lot. I didn’t want to stand there not knowing the Korean words for the things that I would be talking about, so I made a list of all the English words I knew I would be using and looked for the appropriate  and corresponding Korean words. I made a list, and checked it twice. I translated all of the lectures that I usually give into Korean, and even did practice sessions with my parents. My father took on the role of coach and helped with tweaking out some of the words and phrases. Results? I had a BALL. It was utterly glorious. I had (almost) too much fun.

After living almost a half a century, I am learning how to write in Korea again. When I try to translate what I wrote in English into Korean, I am torn between translation and re-writing. The writing mutates into something different. On the whole the writings are in a similar area, but just like a forest you visit—you find something new every time. My visits in between the two languages and two cultures send me to new places. When you travel, even if you get lost, you learn something new. I will travel these new roads, expecting to get lost, but perhaps that will be the joy of it all.

My friends in this journey is the Korean Grammar Check website that has been made by Pusan University and the Naver Korean dictionary, as well as google translate. I am so glad to have these travel buddies. ^^

한국말, 모국어, 영어 Korean, Mother tongue, English

어느덧 영어로 글을 쓰기가 더 쉬워졌다. 서글프고, 부끄럽고, 죄스러운 마음. 블로그를 시작했는데, 영어로만 쓰는 것이 마치, 무엇인가 잘못하고 있는 것 같은 마음. 어떻게 설명할까. 죄스러운 마음. 엄격한 선생님이 못 마땅한 얼굴로 나를 쳐다보는 것 같아 블로그의 즐거움이 스믈스믈 도망간다. 엄격한 선생님을 피해 다니고 싶은 마음이 자꾸 커지는 것 같아, 마음을 한번 다스려 본다. 며칠 전에 블로그에 적은 말이 생각난다. 지금까지, 어떻게 해야 할지 모를 때의 기본 지침이 “When in doubt, do the right thing. (헷갈릴 때, 어떻게 해야 할지 모를 때, 옳은 일을 선택하라.)”였다면, 최근에 나의 지침은 “When in doubt, think love. (헷갈릴 때, 어떻게 해야 할지 모를 때, 사랑을 생각하라.)”가 떠오른다.

사랑하는 마음으로, 사랑을 담은 마음으로, 블로그를 한국어로 번역 (아니면, 한글로 다시 쓰기)하여 올리기. 결정한다.

I don’t know when this happened, but I am now more comfortable writing in English. It’s a bit sad, embarrassing and I can’t shake the feeling of guilt. As I start this blog, the fact that I am only writing in English is haunting me. As if I am doing something wrong. As if there is a strict principal standing right next to me shaking their head in disapproval. The happiness that comes with blogging is looking for a place to hide. The desire to sneak away to a place where the principal cannot see me is growing. I look within to see what is going on. And I recall what I wrote earlier in one of my posts. “When in doubt do the right thing” has now become “when in doubt, think love.”

I think of love. And with love, I will translate, or rewrite my posts also in Korean. And share.

Details: Who's in charge here, the Devil or God? (Or, The Vortex of Minutia)

[English Version Below]

영어 문화권에 이런 말이 있다. Devil is in the details. 혹은, God is in the details.

요는 디테일의 중요성에 관한 어구다. 실수를 범할 때, 주로 작은 세부적인 부분에서 실수를 범하기 쉽다는 말일 수도 있고, 깊게 연구하여 세부적인 부분까지 공부하면 새로운 발견, 기발한 창의력, 혹은 깊은 진실을 찾을 수 있다는 말이다.

칠 년 전에 있었던 일이다. 나의 아이는 태어난 지 육 개월. 월, 수 금은 학교 선생을 하루종일 하고, 화, 목, 토, 일은 육 개월 된 아이를 하루종일 쳐다보고. 어디를 가도 나를 필요로 하는 사람들에 둘러싸여 일상을 보냈다. 여러 사람에 둘러싸여 살면서도 깊은 외로움을 느꼈기에, 그 외로움을 달래기 위해 블로그를 시작한 일이 있다. 블로그에 일상을 기록하며, 배우는 것이 있으면 정리하여 쓰기도 했다. 그중에서 가장 인상 깊게 남았던 배움 중에 하나가 바로 Devil is in the details이라는 개념이었다.

아이를 키우면서 가까이, 조심스럽게, 자세히, 날마다 들여다보니, 보이는 것도 많고, 느끼는 것도 많고, 배우는 것도 많았다. 그러던 하루, 무엇인가를 자세히 들여다보게 되었다. 그 자세한 것이 무엇인지, 지금 기억은 없지만, 아마도 사춘기를 지나고 있는 젊은 사람에게 있어서의 코끝의 여드름쯤 되는 것이 아니었을까 한다. 본인에게는 엄청난 수치심과 서글픔, 화남을 주는 일이었으나, 막상 아주 중요한 일은 아닌—그런 일이었었을 게 분명하다. 코끝에 난 여드름을 고치고자 얼만큼의 요령을 부렸을까. 하지만 코끝에 난 여드름이 아니라, 육 개월 된 아주 작은 아이의 감기일 수도 있었을 것이고, 아니면, 그날따라 밥을 잘 안 먹으려 한 것일 수도 있고, 아니면, 갑자기 낮잠을 잘 안 자는 것일 수도 있다. 요는 이 작은 일을 아주 큰 일로 만들어 버린 나는 아이를 잡고, 나를 잡고, 하루를 아주 흉하게 보냈다. 그 하루를 마무리하면서 드는 생각이 Devil is in the details. 아, 아주 작은 일을 크게 만들어 버리는 것은 악마가 시키는 일이구나. Devil is in the details라는 어구가 처음으로 다르게 보이는 게 이 날이었다. 행복에서 불행으로 직행하는 방법이 바로, 너무나도 작은 일을 큰일인 양 만들어 버리는 우리의 일상.

하지만, 이 작은 일들의 소용돌이는 엄청난 위력을 가지고 있다. 사소하고 작은 일에 집중하고 집착함으로써 나의 허기가 체워지고, 허무함이 체워지고, 뭔가 내 인생도 의미가 있고 중요성이 있다는 느낌을 줄 수 있기 때문이다. 하지만, 이러한 허기 체우기를 위한 사소한 일에 집중하기는 중독성이 강한 게임과 같기 때문이다. 승부욕이 강하고, 목적 지향적인 나에게는 Farmville 2의 중독성은 강하다. 소를 길러, 우유를 모으고, 우유를 모아서, 치즈를 만들고, 치즈를 만들어 동전 몇게 교환 받고, 동전 모아, 소 한마리 더 사고. 작은 일들을 집중적으로 모아, 무엇인가 끝임없이 하고있다는 착각을 나는 만들어 나간다. 나의 뇌는 원한다. 끝없이 성취감을 느끼기 위해서인가.

십여년 전에 읽은 책이 있다. Irvin Yalom이라는 미국의 저명한 심리학자의 책을 읽으면서 existential pain, 실존적 고통에 대해 배웠다. 실존적 고통에는 네가지가 있다고 한다.
1. 죽음. 우리는 모두 죽는다.
2. 외로움. 우리는 모두 혼자다.
3. 자유. 우리는 궁극적으로 자유인이가. 그렇다면 내가 처해있는 상황이 내 탓인가.
4. 무의미. 허무함. 인생의 의미는 무엇인가. 의미가 있기는 있는 것인다.

나는 이 네가지 실존적 고통의 이름들을 알게 되면서, 이상한 기쁨을 느꼇다. 마치 몇 십년간 진단없는 오랜 질명을 앓고 있는 사람이 드디어 질병의 병명을 알게 된 것 같은 느끼이라고 해야 할까. 내 머릿 속에서 상상해 낸 존재하지도 않는 질병이라고 생각하고 있다가, 갑자기 어두운 숲 속에서 전등을 켜게 된 느낌이랄까.

실존적 고통 중에서도 무의미함이 가장 힘든 고통이었다. 그래서 열심히 도망도 갔다. 술, 일, 테레비. 아니면 불평, 불만. 누군가 비난하고, 누군가에게 책임을 물어야하고, 문책, 비판, 비난. 쉴 날이 없었다. 하지만, Brené Brown이라는 심리학자에 의하면, 비난은 고통을 방출하는 수단이라고 한다. 고통을 방출하는 방법. 비난. 비난이 정신적인 방귀인가? 난 고통이 왜그런지 참 많았다. 그래서 여러가지 나의 처한 사정에 대한 불평, 불만이 많았다. 그래서 비난도 심했다. 여자로 태어난 것에 대해. 한국 문화에 대해. 그래픽 디자인에 대해. 마음의 문이 비좁아 까깝한 사람들에 대해. 무식한 사람들에 대해. 가부장적인 사회 제도에 대해. 유색인 차별 문화에 대해.

비난. 고통. 비난은 고통을 방출하는 수단이라고 한다. 길기도 긴 이 비난의 목록을 내려 놓고, 나의 고통과 친해지고자 한다. 적어도 옆에 앉아 얘기라고 들어주면 어떨까 한다. 무릎이 까져 우는 아이의 까진 무릎을 고쳐주지는 못하여도, 아픔 마음 알아주는 것도 큰 도움이 되지 않은가. 내 속안에 우는 아이들 쳐다본다. 그리고, 웅야웅야를 읊으며 달래줘 본다. 당장 고쳐지지 않은 그 많은 것이 있지만, 그 길고 긴 목록 자체에 지치지 말고, 하루의 일상을, 우는 그 아이를 그 때, 그 때 달래 주듯이, 조금씩, 천천히, 살아가 볼란다. 나는 나의 고통과 친해지고자 한다. 나의 고통이 가지고 있는 이야기를 들어주고자 한다. 그러면서, 내가 누리고 있는 이 많은 것들에 감사를 올리고, 기쁨을 나누며 살고자 한다.



I used to keep a private blog when I was a new mother. As over-powering as the new experience of being a mother was, so was the isolation. I was either immersed in teaching all day, or sitting alone with a new born all day. So to see if a falling tree makes a sound when there is no one there to hear it, I started a blog.

I found this entry from when my baby was about five months old from October of 2007:

Eli can now roll onto his tummy. It started with a desire to get closer to the boob. Eli gets on his side. He then scrunches up his legs, and using the momentum, twists and turns onto his belly. The trick is to make sure the arm doesn't get stuck under the belly. After about two weeks of struggle Eli is now officially a "roller-over." Since yesterday he has gone onto his tummy every chance he gets. It's usually when I'm too far away--just out of arms reach. With his desire to move closer, Eli will end up on his tummy. This morning was no exception. Eli rolled onto his tummy when we were in bed. Then he started scrunching his legs up under his belly in a crawling fashion. This boy will be moving in no time it seems. We will be putting up bed rail/guards this weekend so that Eli does not have an unfortunate tumble.

This week I am coming to terms with my own desires to do "everything right" by Eli. It is a variant strain of the "perfectionist." I thought I had given up on this horse over a decade ago. Alas, it still lives and breathes. Perhaps it is stronger because such a vulnerable being is in front of me. This leads to putting my actions, and Eli's reactions under the microscope. Over analysis can only lead to hyper criticism. My lesson this week is to take deep breaths and to look at the big picture: Eli is flourishing as are his parents. Minutia can be not only unhealthy but deadly to the spirit. The phrase, "the devil is in the details" come to mind. I have a completely different understanding of this phrase today.

What I notice from this post is the attention to detail. Looking under the microscope. Finding things you expect to find and also finding things you don’t expect to find.

I remember this day. I remember having a big ah-ha moment of understanding the devil as deep and unhealthy scrutiny. I realized for the first time that sometimes skimming the surface is actually a positive and healthy thing. This was a shock as I associated deep scrutiny as my guiding light to intelligence and wisdom. Alas, intelligence is not always connected to wisdom, as intelligence lives in the brain, and perhaps should visit the heart more often.

But the vortex of minutia is a powerful phenomena. The never-ending-to-do lists of everyday life. Especially when it comes to your precious and non-negotiable things: children, kitty cats, career, or it is a calling, do I have a calling? why don’t I have a calling? professional accomplishments, house work, dirty dishes, dirty fridge, the leaves that need to be racked, and oh, all the weeds… and Eli should start a sport soon, and maybe go back to learning how to read in Korean, and my partner and I should start a project together, and I should start working on that book, and post more entries on the blog, update that class project, and finish writing that letter… what was I talking about?

The vortex of minutia is powerful. It fills the emptiness of our lonely existence. It gives us purpose. And makes us feel like we are doing something with our lives. But it is not unlike an addictive game. Like the one that I’m playing right now. Farmville 2. You collect milk, make it into butter and make that into cheese and sell it for a few coins so that you can save up to buy another cow, so that you can collect more milk, so that you can make more butter… I love having goals. It fills the void. But if not kept in check, it can take over.

I remember reading Irvin Yalom’s book on psychotherapy where he introduces the idea of existential pain. There are four:
1. We will all die. (And you will lose all that is precious to you.)
2. We are alone. (Even if you love and are loved, you are still alone.)
3. The meaninglessness of it all. (or What is the meaning of life?)
4. We have freedom. (Which implies we are to be blamed for the condition we are in.)

I remember feeling almost happy when I found these concepts. It was like having an ailment all your life, feeling like you have an imaginary illness, and years if not decades later finding out that there is a name and a diagnosis that goes with your sorrows. Existential pain. Yes, I have it. And I think I am so used to running away from it. Or drowning it in external factors such as drink or work or something called focused attention to detail. And now I am learning how to live with it. I am learning to live with my pain. Without blaming anyone, or anything for it.

Blame. Here is another concept that needs attention. Brené Brown says that blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. Pain and discomfort. I have that. And I have gone through many searches and hunts to find blame. The blame of being born a woman. The blame of being born in Korea. The blame of being a graphic designer. The blame of being narrow minded. The blame of patriarchy. The blame of politics. The blame of racism. The blame of sexism. The blame of ignorance.

I am shedding my ghosts of Christmas pasts, and learning to sit with my pain and discomfort. And in the mean time, I am learning how to be grateful for all that I have, and learning how to share the joy.

Words and Their Meaning

From dictionary.com

Feminine
—adjective
1. pertaining to a woman or girl: feminine beauty; feminine dress.
2. having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness.

Masculine
—adjective
1. pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men: masculine attire.
2. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.

What is gender? I've always identified as a male personality. Being subtle or kind or soft have eluded me. Being blunt and making comments that are to the point (and sometimes hurtful) came easily. Based on dictionary.com I am masculine.

Meriam Webster says:

Feminine
—adjective
1. female.
2. characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women <feminine beauty> <a feminine perspective>
3.  of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring to females <a feminine noun>

Masculine
—adjective
1. a: male, b: having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man.
2. of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring to males <masculine nouns>

Meriam Webster will not go as far as giving us nouns such as ‘sensitivity’ or ‘boldness’ in their definition. We get to pick our own nouns. They say, “Hey, we don’t make the rules”. You do. Smart cookie.

Nomenclature and value systems. Words and their meanings. I have been interested in how these two things sometimes have a hard time matching their insides with their outsides.

This semester, I walked into class on the first day of school and met all of my new students. Half of them were men and half of them were women. I asked them, “How many of you believe that men and women should be paid the same amount of money for the same work?” All of them raised their hands. I asked them, “How many of you believe that women and men should have the same access to opportunities and privileges?” They all raised their hands. I asked them, “How many of you believe that even though we are different in our gender identity, we are all human beings doing our best to live this life we have?” They all raised their hands. Then I told them, based on the basic definition, this made all of them feminists. They looked shocked. I asked how many of them identified as a feminist. About three people raised their hands.

We went on to talk about how nomenclature and value systems are sometimes misaligned. That words in them selves have legacy burdens, and have painful and joyful histories. I then asked each of the students to choose words that they think have been misunderstood and create a process of reclaiming them. The students chose words like wealth, security, Islam, and dreamer versus realist.

We create words and nomenclature to have clarity. But sometimes, we need to make amends when things go awry. I have been thinking about words that mean well but have become contentious in their history. Or contentious in their black and white paradigm. Words like racism. Words like patriarchy. Words that pit one group of people against another and push one group against the wall. The circle of victimhood keeps going around in circles. I think this is called triangulation. What is triangulation?

Triangulation goes something like this. A student comes to me and complains about teacher A. The student says that the teacher is too hard on them. (Student=victim, teacher A=perpetrator, Yoon Soo=nothing so far in the dynamic.) There are two roads in front of me at this point. One is that of listener. But if I take this information and go to teacher A and accuse them of being too hard on our student, I take on the role of savior, and the game of triangulation begins. And this session will not end until all three people have played all three roles of victim, perpetrator, and savior. Shall we see how this plays out?

So in taking on the role of savior, I go to teacher A and accuse them of being a bad teacher. In that moment, I become the perpetrator, teacher A becomes the victim, and here come the student to rescue teacher A. The student asks why I had to go and tell this story to teacher A, and says that they were just blowing off some steam, and yells at me for disclosing this information. The student becomes the perpetrator, I become the victim, and teacher A comes to the rescue and tells the student that Yoon Soo is just doing her best, that she really cares for all of her students, and this was an instance of good intentions gone bad.

All three participants have played all three roles and the game has ended. Some of these triangulation sessions go on for days, or years at a time. Multiple sessions can be going on in unison. So the next time you want to rescue someone, all you have to do is decide if you want to start a cycle of triangulation or not.

Who benefits from all of us running around in circles of blame, victimhood and saving people? Are we the masses going around and around in purgatory—all the while there is a door that we can exit out of? And what is this door called?

Homer Simpson once said, “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” I had once thought that understanding was the key to compassion and empathy. But Homer’s comment points out apathy. And as much as abuse can be hurtful, apathy is more deadly.

How is apathy, compassion, empathy and rescuing someone similar and different? The core difference is on how much dialogue is happening. And making assumptions about what “help” looks like. We frequently misunderstand “action” as helping. When in many cases “listening and acknowledging” can go very far. Listening puts the emphasis on the other person and what they are saying. Giving advice puts the emphasis on myself, my knowledge and my limitations, biases and preferences. I once heard that when advice is given when it is not asked for, it is called meddling. And then there are life choices that we just cannot give advice to, even if it is asked for, because it is not our place to make such decisions.

So what do we do. I think this might be a good time to think about privilege. What do I have that others do not? Most of my life I was so busy feeling sorry for myself because I thought I was stupid, lazy, fat and ugly, I did not notice that I was smart, diligent, and pretty. And in doing so, I reveled in my victimhood of being the underdog and being mad at the people who “had it all". But it turns out even if I was the underdog a while ago, I am no longer the underdog. I have the privilege of having a tenured position, at a university in the United States. I have the privilege of having a good brain. I have the privilege of having a well-rounded life experience. I have the privilege of having a family, friends, and a core group of people whom I adore and who adore me.

I think this might be our door out. If people in a place of privilege, if the people who are in the have, if the people who are in a place of power, step away, and in spite of the fact that it may not look like a good idea to do so, if these people of privilege choose to care, and choose to understand, than I think the world can change.

Most of my life I thought compassion and empathy was a sign of weakness. I did not know what strengths of the mind, spirit, and heart it took to have compassion and empathy. I never knew that compassion and empathy doesn’t count the beans in a race against who did what and how many times. Compassion and empathy sits down with you, and comforts you, doesn’t want to change you, but accepts and acknowledges the pain you are going through and have been through. Compassion and empathy is being witness to your humanness. Without judgment. I think this is our way out.

Leadership styles: 용장(勇將), 지장(智將), 그리고 덕장(德將)

[English Version Below}

어머니와 지도자의 역할에 대해 오늘 이야기했다. 요즘 들어 지도자가 해야 하는 일이 다르게 느껴진다는 이야기를 했다.

지도자적 역할을 생각하면 예전에는 몸이 뻐근해지고, 허리가 아프고, 온몸이 전투태세를 갖추어지곤 했다. 칼을 들고, 전투기를 띄우며, 포로를 잡으면 복잡해지니 그냥 죽이고 보자는 마음가짐. 함부로 한 말로 여러 사람을 희생시킨 나는 전략을 달리해, 그다음으로는 잘 돌아가지도 않은 머리를 쓰기 시작했다. 이것저것 최대한의 가능성을 견주어 가며, 머리가 지근지근 아프도록 생각하고 생각해서, 피하고, 회유하고, 빌고, 참을 것 참아가며 사람들 사이에서 살아 보려고 했던 것 같다.

어머니가 이날 용장(勇將), 지장(智將), 그리고 덕장(德將) 이야기를 해 주셨다. 용장은 용감하여, 남성적인 카리스마를 가지고 군인들을 전투에 쉽게 몰고 나갈 수 있는 장군이고 (그래서 몸으로 때우는 장군일 수 있고), 지장은 전략이 뛰어나, 몸을 많이 다치지 않고도 전투에 이길 수 있는 장군이지만, 머리는 꽤 써야 하니 머리가 아플 것이고 할 일도 많고, 덕장은 덕으로 사람들을 다스리니, 간섭이 적고, 부드럽고 따뜻함으로 사람들을 이끈다는 장군이다.

무식이 용감하여 이 사람, 저 사람에게 대들며 달려가던 청춘. 잔대가리 열심히 굴려 “똥이 더러워서 피하지, 무서워서 피하냐”하며, 장기 둘 줄 모르는 사람들이랑 장기 두는 연습하기. 이제는 그저 좀 지쳐있다. 세상도 좀 보이고, 용기도 있지만, 조심성도 생기고, 남 생각도 좀 하기 시작했고.

훌륭한 지도자들을 생각해보면 지도자라는 명찰이 안 붙어 있는 사람들이 많다. 누이, 할머니, 친구. 땅이, 흙이 우리의 모든 것, 심지어 우리의 시신을 받아주듯이, 우리를 있는 그대로 받아주는 사람들. 공기 같기도 하여, 보이지 않은 이런 사람들 때문에 받는 힘. 그 사랑. 생각하게 된다.

예전에 나의 모토, 좌우명이 “헷갈릴 때, 어떻게 해야 할지 모를 때는, 옳은 일을 택하라”였다면, 이제는 그것이 “헷갈릴 때, 어떻게 해야 할지 모를 때는, 사랑을 생각하라”로 바뀌었다.


I had a conversation about leadership with my mother today. I was telling her about how the understanding of leadership felt different to me these days. That when I thought of leadership, my body remembers all the fights, and the aches start to come. The back goes out of whack and the entire body tenses up ready for a good beating. Or am I the aggressor.

My head remembers all the strategies. The manipulative strategies to put the pieces in their place so that when things start to fall apart, or come together, one is ready to achieve one's goals. Short term, long term—strategies are put in place to contain chaos in order to try and find some assembly of peace. But it is not peace at all, because we are all cogs in the machinery of the bigger picture called history that we have no access to. And then the helplessness overwhelms us.

These days, I just plain tired. I don't want to fight anybody. And I have no need to tell people how they should behave. And if anything, I just want to share what I have learned so far. And share the love. This is what my mother had to share with me:

According to the 손자병법 (the Chinese Art of War), there are three types of leaders:

용장(勇將) Yong-Jang is the warrior, the general that moves with courage. 용(勇) yong is the word for "brave". This leader has a masculine charisma and is able to lead the people into great action.

지장(智將) Ji-Jang is the warrior that moves with strategy. 지 (智) ji is knowledge, and this warrior had lots and lots of knowledge. My guess is that these generals reach us through our brain, and tickles our intellect. But we are all tools within the machinery of politics and the relationship side of things can suffer. The greater good might be something that is suggested, and the individual might get lost.

덕장(德將) Duk-Jang is a warrior that moves with wisdom, kindness, and virtue. This is thought to be the feminine charisma that can be mistaken as a weakness in this day and age of masculine charisma, but this is what the ultimate leader is able to do. To guide with wisdom, kindness and virtue.

I realize now, that most of the successful leaders that I have experienced are leaders who are not usually even seen as a leader. These are people who are at their core, kind, wise, and of virtue. They share their wisdom, but do not shame us if we are ignorant or unable to reciprocate. They are there when we need them, and they are sometimes invisible like the air we breathe. They are called sisters, grandmothers, friends and earth as they accept us for who we are, just the way we are.

I ground myself in my core. I ground myself in love. My motto used to be, "when in doubt, do the right thing." It now might be, "when in doubt, think of love." 

Claiming your own culture

I was asked to give the commencement speech at Vermont College of Fine Arts this October. What an honor and privilege it was. I am happy to share what I said to my lovely graduating class:

Claiming your own culture

It was about 1981. I was sixteen years old. Living in Seoul, South Korea. I was attending an all girls high school, shy and terrified of boys, when I got my first letter from a neighborhood boy. And my father almost had a heart attack.

It did not matter that it was actually a card. It did not matter that it was actually a Christmas card.

To my father, this was a symbol of the precarious world of adulthood: a world of love, lust and the ruin of women. I exaggerate. But not really. So when I was sixteen years old, my father had the "boy, girl" talk with me. It was not the typical boy girl talk. My father was not your typical father. It went something like this:

Yoon Soo, you have lived in America.
Yes, father.
You have lived Korea.
Yes, father.
You know that they are different cultures, but you need to respect them for who they are and what they are and neither is right or wrong but different.
Yes, father.

Yoon Soo, you have read the history books of Korea and of America.
Yes, father.
You know that in the same land, there were different cultures, and that you need to respect them for who they are and what they are and neither is right or wrong but different.
Yes, father.

Yoon Soo, you have your own culture.
...
This culture may, or may not coincide with the current culture that you inhabit.
…
For example, this current culture may have young girls like you going on dates with boys right now.
But just as you respect every other culture not on the basis of right or wrong, but because it defines who you are, you need to honor and respect YOUR OWN CULTURE. Your own culture might be telling you that you are not ready to date yet. That you might want to take your time. That you might want to wait a very very long time. Perhaps until you are thirty years old.
...

My father wanted to give me the option to not be interested in boys just yet. But what my father did not realize that day was that he gave me my freedom. I was emancipated from my legacy. I was symbolically emancipated from my gender, my race, my ethnicity, and my history.

Being the great exaggerator that I am, I took a kernel of corn and made it into popcorn. Somehow with this kernel of corn, I made it into: I can pick and choose cultural options based on my value system, preference and genetic disposition. I started my journey to allowing myself to just be.

Today in each and every one of our graduting students, I see how you honor yourself. I see how you create and nurture your OWN CULTURE. Of being and living. As a human and as a designer.

I see how you choose to be yourself, in spite of the fact that it might not be popular. Or convenient. Or main stream. Or understood.

I see you make your way. Through the waves. Through the negativity. Through the doubt.

At out first convocation, Matt Monk spoke of trust and he’s spoke of rays of light. The quote from Sister Corita Kent, “Find a place to trust and try trusting it for a while” hobbled me. But Matt also talked about rays of light. Emanating. From spokes.

Light?

I had no idea what he was talking about.

I am a pessimist. For most of my life I activiely disbelieved in happiness. I thought happiness was for people who were dillusional because they had no grasp on reality.

But during my residencies I came to a realization: that there are people in the world that walk with light in their heart. and these people were resilient to all the terrible things that are happening in the world right now.

And when I look around today, I realize that we are all people with rays of hope called resiliency, called love, in our hearts.

VCFA seems to collects people who have this light. Or if you were like me, a pessimist, resisting optimism, it seems to cautiously bring out the ray of hope, the love, or at least the resiliency for hope in our hearts

Today I see: Aaron, Darlene, Donald, Carla, Rachel, Victoria, Segun, Diane, Alex, Bill, Pam, and Kathy.

They walk with resilient love and resilient hope in their hearts. They walk with honor and dignity for the culture they have chosen to create for themselves in the arch of humanity. They articulate and share with us how this is worthy and of value. They may have to defend this worthiness and value as they walk into the world, but I have all the belief in my heart that they will do this with light in their hearts.

Along with Sister Corita Kent, our other fairy god mother, Brené Brown tells the story of courage. She tells the story of courage coming from the Latin word; cur? Meaning heart. She tells us that courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

What an examplarery group to show us what it is to live with courage.

sabbatical project: tension

There is a tension. A tension between privacy and wanting to be heard. And seen. And understood.

The impulse to share. It is great. And unrelenting. Is it a pain or a hunger. I try to psycho-analyze it and shame it into silence. And yet again, here we are.

So here I go. I'll call it sabbatical practice.

sabbatical practice: judgment

sabbatical project

Like a newborn king to a long awaited throne, there can be too much anticipation about this new creature.

The grandness of it all can kill off any curiosity for meanderings to be replaced with frozen fear of performance anxiety. Not to mention the guilt that can come with the privilege of a sabbatical.

Working up to the sabbatical is not unlike a pregnancy. You have much hope, you dream a little, you prepare both your body and mind for this new experience.

And just like a pregnancy, the reality will always be different from what one expects.

As I prepare for my upcoming sabbatical, my goal is to learn from it. I hope to learn how to fold a sabbatical into your daily life, five minutes, thirty minutes at a time. So that I don’t have to wait for the next one in seven years.

If sabbatical can be likened to waiting to breathe, I want to learn how to breathe moment to moment, respecting all the different parts that want to breathe.

Even though the official sabbatical starts in the new year, I start my practice today.